My Initiation into Grief and Pleasure

My biggest initiation into grief in started in December 2019, but I wasn’t torn apart until August 2020. 🌑

In 2019, I was signed up for an Eros workshop with my mentor which was to take the day after I found out a friend of mine committed suicide. She died 1 hour after hanging up the phone with me. ❤️‍🩹

I called the day of the event in tears. 😭

How could I possibly access pleasure?

My heart was breaking 💔 The what-ifs still pouring through my mind.

I was planning to cancel. I didn’t want to be the gloom in the room dedicated to bliss and beauty. ✨

A smaller voice inside nudged me to go anyway. Maybe I could just lay on my mat and get out of my head. Perhaps pleasure wouldn’t happen but at least I’d be free of the thoughts my home would surely keep me trapped in.

So I went to the 5+ hour workshop with a 2+ hour somatic embodied pleasure practice called Mindful Erotic Practice.

I screamed, I cried, I pounded my fists on the floor. 😤 I held myself, I touched my body with tenderness. 🤲

I moved the energy. The tears continued to flow as the pleasure began to move. My breath expanded me into a realm of consciousness I didn’t even think could exist. 🌬️

The pleasure began to work with the grief. The two merged through my body until the crying felt almost org@s*mic. 🌊

The most tender self-touch soothed the ego, soothed the mind, let go of the stories.

This was just the preparation for 2020, a seed planted that this COULD exist. This medicine was real. 🌱

As many know, my brother was in a welding accident in 2020, where an explosion happened on one side of a gasoline tanker and he was trapped for 45 min in a tiny hole after having a 50lb chunk of metal fall on his head. He was in a coma for 3 months, docs were amazed he survived. It was a miracle. ✨

The first few months I walked between worlds 🌎, stepping into the path of the priestess. 🕊️ In this time, I lived often in the energetic and spiritual realms, not so much in embodiment. The grief was immense.

As he came to his body and the reality set in that he wasn’t going to walk, talk, fish, and hunt again…that he had a SEVERE TBI + 27 injuries, and was now quadriplegic…

The grief ripped me apart. 💔 My heart broke in 1,000 pieces. And the only thing I knew to do was to see if I could just access ONE DROP of energy from that place in 2019 in my mentor’s apartment in Boston.

Just a drop of energy, the size of a mustard seed, to remember that it’s not all lost. 🌟

So in my grief, I would scream and cry and listen to country music Dustin loved and Phoebe Bridgers until the tears couldn’t run anymore. 🎶

And sometimes, I would remember I could dance. 💃 I would remember I could self-touch. I would remember Mindful Erotic Practice.

I would spend 5 minutes accessing that one drop of energy 💧

And sometimes I would spend 3 hours lost in the ocean 🌊 of it.

These moments moved the grief through the body until it became bliss. Until I laughed, until I breathed a little deeper, until all the stories of grief disappeared and I fully arrived in my natural blissful state. 🌸

In 2022, I showed up to Mindful Erotic Practice regularly. I still wondered WHY my heart shattered so much. When would the grief “be over”. How is it possible to love someone’s ego so much? To love someone’s personality, their form? Because Dustin no longer has that, and it’s only in that loss does one realize “ego death isn’t the permanent goal”.

I fell into a trance after hours on my mat one night and realized that one of my early LSD trips from 2016 — where Eric and I (in a telepathic vision) saw a parallel life of us losing a child — wasn’t shown to me because we were or weren’t meant to have kids.

Instead, I was shown this vision to break my heart open to the pain of losing a child, so that my heart could be prepared for the day my mom will likely lose hers. 🕯️

Each time I showed up to mat, it wasn’t a big revelation every time. Most of the time it was just a balm to my grief, a salve to soothe the deepest wound. 🍯

This is the work that brought me back into knowing myself. To knowing my path as priestess. To UNDERSTANDING the POWER of this work.

This awareness brought to me gnosis of Dustin’s sovereignty. The deep respect for his soul’s choice to go on this journey. The power he gave me by teaching me that even in devastation, there is a gateway to deeper love, embodiment, and sovereignty.

This is the work that made me realize the pure magic of having a body that’s capable of feeling pleasure. ✨

This work is multidimensional, because our bodies are multidimensional. This work moves across timelines, across dimensions. 🌌

Originally, I wasn’t going to get in to the “spiritual stories” in the promotion of this.

But the truth is we are spiritual beings having a human experience and all information moves from the spiritual realm to the physical, and back up.

As above, so below. 🌹

This is where we find our power. This is where we change the narrative. It’s where we find our truth.

This is the medicine I now offer. This is the path I guide women through inside Your Bliss Is Your Birthright — a space to feel it all, transmute it, and reclaim the power and pleasure that is innately you.

Are you ready to touch your own bliss, even in the places you thought it was lost?